By Dave Mangene
The biggest sporting event on the planet starts today. Nobody loves a good sporting event more than we Americans, but this one just doesn't do it for us.
Here's why:
1. We didn't invent soccer.
Soccer is not our game. We invented other games: 'American' football. Baseball. Basketball. Ice Hockey. OK ice hockey might have been invented by Canadians, but Canadians are really just Americans with heavy jackets. So that means Americans invented hockey too. But soccer, somebody else did that. We're not sure who - and we don't care. But since it ain't ours, we're not watching.
2. The games are boring.
1-0?
0-0?
Are you kidding me? Yawn! Americans like to see some scoring. A touchdown in football is only one score, but it counts for 6 frigging points, know wadda mean? A field goal in football is one kick, but it's worth three points. Boom! Basketball? 2 points for one basket wasn't enough so we invented the 3 pointer. No, it doesn't make any sense but we don't care. It's more points!
OK, baseball only scores 1 run at a time - and it can be a little slow, but at least those dudes chew tobacco when they're playing the game. And the umpires are fat, so there you go!
Soccer doesn't have enough scoring. So we don't watch.
3. Too many countries play.
When we have a Major League Baseball World Series in America, or the NBA World Championship, we don't invite the whole world. We only invite one country: us!
Well, there's Canada for baseball, and hockey, but Canada doesn't really count as a separate country for the reason I mentioned above. With all those countries like Serbia and Bosnia-Herzegovina and Iran and Uruguay, man we can't keep up. Hell, we can't even pronounce those countries. So we don't watch.
4. The games are on TV at weird times.
Wait, I'm supposed to watch Belgium play soccer against Chile at 1:00 o'clock in the morning? Not gonna happen.
5. Because we suck.
This might be the biggest reason.
And don't get me wrong: we don't really suck. Every one of those guys wearing a Team USA shirt at the World Cup is a competent professional. Most of them play in Europe so they're good players. And they are trained to believe that anything is possible - even winning the World Cup. But we've never won one. And you won't find a single bookmaker, anywhere in the world, who will bet on the United States winning the tournament. Chances are, we won't win.
And, in American society, if you can't win - then you suck. Second place just sucks. Period. We won't watch something that sucks.
~~~
As for me, I might be American, but I'll be glued to the TV for the next 4 weeks. But that's because I truly love soccer and I'm emotionally invested in the Dutch team because I have been living in the Netherlands for the past 21 years. I will also be cheering very loudly for Team USA, although they're in an incredibly tough group with Germany, Portugal, and Ghana.
If you get a chance, check out a game. It truly is the greatest show in the world!
~ DAVE
ps - if you want top tips about American culture and language, every Friday, click here.
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